I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad

Yesterday I was watching a lecture by Dr. Temple Grandin on autism spectrum disorders, coping methods, jobs suited to people on the spectrum, etc. One thing she talked about that I already knew of was this kind of squeezing machine she'd made for herself that she'd put herself in when she was stressed, and it calmed her down. It sounded terrible to me, but then she mentioned weighted blankets.

It was like a light went off. I feel like this is something I've craved my entire life and didn't realize it until just now.

I've always loved the lead vests they put on me when I get an x-ray taken, but I'd never thought much of it.

Problem is weighted blankets cost like $100, Jesus. I have a birthday coming up and my parents are all over this diagnosis, so maybe I can ask for that for my birthday. At least it should last years and years.

It's been on my mind a lot lately, so I'm going to kind of dump everything I've found out about me being on the autism spectrum here.

After finding out what stimming is maybe a month ago, I talked to my school shrink. She said I probably had Asperger's. My main concern was that this isn't in my head and I'm not being a hypochondriac, so that was all I was really interested in.

This is all pretty interesting to me because of the anecdotal link between autism spectrum disorders and trans-ness. Most people that are trans seem to have someone that's autistic in the family, or on the spectrum themselves.

When I first found out I was on the spectrum I had a sheer panic attack of "Oh god, what if I'm wrong and me thinking I'm trans is just my reaction to not getting human interaction and my role as a woman?" It didn't take long to shake that off... there are plenty of cissexual women on the autism spectrum who have the same social difficulties I do and have no inclination to chop off their breasts and take testosterone.

I also felt utter relief at having an explanation for why I react in certain ways to things. For 20+ years I'd convinced myself that I was being a whiny jerk for always wanting the TV volume down, for hating any kind of bright light, for being more inclined to stay in my room than go to a friend's house.

For 20+ years I've also had the worst guilt about stimming. I thought it was something that only I did, and it made me a weirdo. Now that I recognize the need to do it (before I thought I was just horribly tired at the end of the day rather than overstimulated) and actually do it when I need to, I feel so much better.

It kind of bothers me that my parents, family, and teachers until 2nd grade (when I learned to suppress my stimming in public) saw my stimming and social problems and thought "odd but intelligent kid" rather than "something's up here". I feel like I spent 20 years in limbo because nobody noticed. Though I suppose given that I'm in rural Georgia, I'm lucky I was pegged as a weird smart kid rather than an autistic kid.

idk. I'm open to questions/comments about the subject. (And no, I don't believe I got this from being vaccinated.)