jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)
Because I don't feel like updating my actual life, here's a meme I stole from [livejournal.com profile] runic_binary.

Hit shuffle on your iPod/iTunes or mp3 player and write down the first 25 songs. No cheating or skipping songs that are shameful. That is the fun! Then tag your friends.

Here be music )

I'm surprised it took until the last song for something from a musical to pop up!
jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)
I have the worst fucking migraine ever. Came up almost $50 short at work today, proceeded to shit myself for about 10 minutes before figuring out I'd forgot to add in a credit card sale and then everything was fine again.

Tomorrow my boss is giving me my T shot. She's training to be a nurse and needs practice, and I'm still too much of a fraidy cat to give myself a shot. This is probably the only situation in which your boss seeing your pants pulled down in the bathroom at work is socially acceptable.

Still putting off coming out to my parents. Not in the place to deal with that shit storm, but I doubt I ever will be.

At least tomorrow I will have delicious Rice-A-Roni when I come back home. Fucking 99 cents for a box, I might buy a dozen. And cook them all at once and bury myself in rice or something. Delicious.

If I have to walk across a frozen solid sidewalk while in fear for my life back one more time I may fucking lose it.
jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)
Yesterday my mom called. I haven't talked to her but maybe once or twice since starting T, and not in the past two weeks. The first thing she said was "You sound stuffy, are your sinuses bothering you?" Maybe I'm getting a bit of a voice drop going on. I did surprise myself a few nights ago by being able to easily get my voice lower than I normally can, although when I fall into the "I'm using my polite voice" mindset my voice still goes high.

Now that my bangs are so long they're falling into my eyes I've given in and bought an electric razor set with various guards. I was kind of liking how my hair was flipping out at the base of my neck, but cutting with scissors is too much of a pain in the ass and I don't have the skill to do it anyway. I do have the skill to run a razor all over my head!

Continuing to read Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships:

Rules 3 and 4 )
jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)
I have no idea why (maybe my body is trying to tell me to sleep more?), but both times I've got my shot my mind has been muddled for 2-3 days after the shot. Takes a bit more time to process things, react to things, talk to people, etc. Probably entirely coincidence and not T giving me the dumb, I just wish it would stop because the day before yesterday I ended up $20 short on the register and had to put it back out of pocket. Bleh.

Acne has not yet appeared any more so than usual. I'm sure my next shot (which is the first regular dose I'll get; the past two have been half) will bring it on, since it always loves tormenting me any other time I'm hormonal.

I don't want to come out to my friends or family. I really don't. I know I have to... I do want to keep seeing them and talking to them, and it's hard to explain away the changes T brings. I just don't want to come out. I'm not sure if it's my hardcore aversion to confrontation, internalized transphobia, or both.

I'm currently reading Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships by Temple Grandin and Sean Barren (ty Maesi <3). I've already encountered several things that made me go OH! It puts forth 10 rules to help autistic people understand social interaction and their own reactions to social interaction (with the caveat that everyone's different, no rule is absolute, etc).

So far I've read the sections on rules 1 and 2.

tl;dr on realizations since this is getting long )
jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)
Despite being on T, I got my period Wednesday. Uuugh. I was hoping this shit would cut it the fuck out, or at least be lighter. I feel like I'm bleeding to death.

Next shot is on the 5th. Two weeks after that, pending bloodwork, I get up to full dose. I hope to god that stops it.

I was binding for several days in a row over the Christmas holidays, from about the 22 to the 25th, and I only just now got to the point that my back wasn't seizing up and smasming every time I tried to bend down a little. Evidently fused spines don't look kindly on binding. Then my boyfriend threw my binder in the washer and dryer. I caught it early enough to keep it from irreparably shrinking, but it's still way too tight. I had JUST loosened it to the point I could put it on by myself too, uuuugh.

This has not been a good few weeks.
jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)
I submitted these beauties to Cake Wrecks:

Yule Log and Evil Santa )

I hope at least the Santa gets posted! Looks like he's about to beat someone to death with the Christmas tree...

If anyone's going through Penn Station, you can view these wrecks somewhere near the smoothie shop as you're heading towards the NJ Transit tracks.
jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)
I feel... exactly the same as I did yesterday before getting my shot.

I think a part of me expected that I would feel different somehow, even if I didn't look or sound different. Which is a little silly, but it still seems so odd to me to feel like exactly the same person as I did 24 hours ago when things are going to start changing so much because of yesterday.

The boyfriend got me a cake yesterday (awwwe) to celebrate my first shot. A very manly chocolate on chocolate with crushed chocolate sprinkles cake! It was so divine I could not eat more than one slice, or I would have risked dying of diabetic shock.

I didn't notice it yesterday until after I got to work, but literally everything I was wearing or carrying (shirt, undershirt, jacket, backpack, cane, pants) was blue. When I realized it I went "Gee, do you think I'm overcompensating?", hehe.

I'm mildly nervous about meeting up with the boyfriend's family today. His mom's nice enough, but slips terribly with my pronouns. It's going to be incredibly disheartening if I have to deal with that after 24 hours of going YEAH YEAH T AWESOME TRANSITION YAY.
jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)
Good lord, today was... interesting.

Got up and ate breakfast lunch dinner and went to Callen-Lorde to pick up my T prescription. The last prescription I got didn't have my legal name on it, and I didn't notice it until after I left and was on my way back home, so I had to come back another day to drop off the prescription for a re-write. When I went to pick it up today it had my legal name on it. So I went to the pharmacy Callen-Lorde works with to fill it. The boyfriend and I get some pizza, come back, and are greeted with "Oh, sorry, we couldn't fill this, it doesn't have a stamp on it."

Thankfully Callen-Lorde is open until 8 on Mondays! So we run back up a few blocks to Callen-Lorde to get it stamped. "Oh, all the doctors are gone! Let me see if I can find someone to help."

So we waited maybe 10 minutes and a prescription is brought back to me. Still no stamp, but I'm told this doesn't need a stamp for... some reason. I forget. All that was on my mind at that point was rushing back to the pharmacy before they close. So the boyfriend and I hightail it back to the pharmacy and I ask them to make sure it's all okay. After a 10 minute wait for the pharmacist to take a look at it (it was super busy there today, so that at least wasn't just dropping the ball) she told me it was fine, except she couldn't give me 10 mL like the prescription said. Since my starting dose for the first month is 0.5 mL, she can only give me 6 mL because of a state law about the number of days of dosage you can fill at any given time. Because having 10 mL for four months would be so much worse than having 10 mL for three months, I suppose. In the end she just gave me 6 mL, which at this point I don't care about because at least I've got it.

Tomorrow I get my first T shot, then I go to work (right after! Ick!), then the day after we go to the boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas. I maintain that this is the best Christmas present ever. Except for the work part.

Also, the 6 mL was in 6 1 mL bottles. Wtf?
jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)
Ugh, I have been so busy lately. Holidays and all, I suppose.

A friend I've had since 2nd grade is coming to visit me from Saturday to Monday. I want to come out to her since I've got the ball rolling with T (omg less than a week omg omg), but she's going through a rough time emotionally right now (her fiance of 3 years just dumped her and immediately started dating someone new and is getting married to new girl in January, ugh) and I don't want to add to that. I just hope later she doesn't feel as though I wasn't truthful with her.

I got the H1N1 vaccine yesterday. My arm is semi sore, bleh. Can't lay on it at night. No noticeable side effects yet (hopefully none at all!). This is actually the first time (outside of possibly when I was a little baby) that I have been vaccinated for the flu. I told myself if I found it for free I'd get it, since I thought that wouldn't actually happen. Sure enough, a coworker's mom (who is a nurse) sent us some and I decided to girdle my loins and go through with it. It barely hurt at all; the soreness from the vaccine is actually worse than the vaccine itself was.

The boyfriend and I got off of work from the 23-26, so we'll be with his parents for Christmas instead of bumming around the apartment like we originally planned. Maybe I'll actually get to see a white Christmas this year! I've never seen one before... the part of Georgia I was in only had snow once or twice a year, and only in January or February.

Speaking of the boyfriend, we started making sourdough bread last night and left it out to rise, but forgot that the kitchen gets super cold at night. Which means it barely rose at all. Oops. So it's staying in here with us tonight until it rises properly. Want moar bread!
jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)
Woo, I has a betta fish! He's so cute and little. Big thanks to [livejournal.com profile] m1lkhoney for letting me adopt him!

We're acclimating him right now and won't be done for another hour or so, but I'm soooo excited to see how he likes his new tank once he does acclimate. My boyfriend loves him and won't stop watching him, haha.

I'll update with pics once he's settled in.
jame_alec: A gynandromorphic butterfly; male on one side, female on the other (Butterfly)
Got my labwork back today. Rather, the bill for my labwork. I was frustrated and remarked to Soos, "You'd think they could just give me the results with the bill! It even has a section on the bill for the conclusions from the lab results!"

"They did; your blood work results are that you owe them $150!"

Har har.
jame_alec: An xkcd parody of the Discovery Channel "oom di yada" song (xkcd - I love the whole world)
Surefire 100% no regrets ever way to tell if you are trans:

Make appointment for hormones.

If you cannot sleep and are bouncing off the walls the night before the appointment, you are trans.

jame_alec: Dream from Sandman with pigeons flying around him (Dream - Pigeons)
I made it to NYC.

I can't tell if the people I pass are staring at me because they can't figure out my gender, if I'm imagining it, or if it's normal for people to just stare at other people.

My luggage sort of exploded on the room. I'm unpacking in bursts... yesterday was hard on my back. I took half a 7.5 mg hydrocodone. It made me loopy, but it was better than the burning pain that was traveling down to my elbows.

The flights were okay. We had a lot of time to chill out and eat at our layover in Pittsburgh. I felt stupid going through security because I didn't know what to do, but I imagine everyone does. I accidentally went through the metal detector without taking my phone out of my pocket, not thinking of it as being made of metal. D'oh.

I think I'm still kind of worn out. Maybe I should nap or something.

Being up here still doesn't feel real. I doubt it will for a few weeks at least.

I'm kind of afraid to leave the apartment alone because I might get lost. I was always horrid with directions.
jame_alec: Dream from Sandman with pigeons flying around him (Dream - Pigeons)
The past couple of months have been such a ride.

I'm a bit disappointed, since I intended to get on T before going to NYC, but health issues kept me from doing that (it took until this weekend to stop being in and out of doctors offices every free day I had).

However, I gathered up my courage and called Callen-Lorde to make an appointment. Yeah, it doesn't sound like much, but phones already scare me and making an appointment to get hormones was even scarier to me. I was afraid of someone being rude or something, I guess.

I talked to two different guys, both of which were nice enough. The first had to transfer me, and once the second confirmed I wanted transgender services he set up an account and appointment for me. I wussed out and gave them my legal name (it still scares me to introduce myself as James), but they said I needed photo ID and proof of address, both of which will still have my birth name on it, so I guess that didn't work out too badly. I'll ask if they can put in my file to call me the right name or something.

October 8th is the day. Further away than I'd like, but I suppose I can't expect to get in sooner given the circumstances. That should allow time for something to get mailed to me as proof of address as well, so it all works out.
jame_alec: "This is a cat. It is not a defective dog. It is very happy being a cat. Autism: It's a diffence, not a disease" (Cat - Autism)
It seems all I use this thing for is to talk about stimming, but I need to talk about it with someone or I'll go nuts.

I've mentioned my physical stimming before, but I also do mental stimming. I'll go hide somewhere (usually my room or the bathroom) and physically stim while I mentally stim at the same time.

My mental stimming almost always involves gryphons or birds or prey. When it doesn't, it involves foxes. Very rarely it will involve deer or horses. Sometimes it'll be stories about them, but usually it's just scenarios: either hunting or fleeing. When it's not stories, I'm usually imagining gryphon anatomy.

For anyone on my FL that doesn't know, a gryphon is a mythical animal with (traditionally) the fore legs, head, and wings of an eagle, the ears of a wild ass, and the hind legs and tail of a lion. Since such a creature would have such issues walking and flying in real life, a lot of my stimming involves going through different body types for how they're designed.

Are the fore legs like an eagle's? If so, do they spend a lot of time on the ground? If they do, can they hunt on the ground? An eagle can't walk like a lion, are the hind legs still like a lion, or like a second set of eagle claws? If they are, do they perch on branches or live on the ground? If the fore legs aren't like an eagle's, are they more adapted for walking on the ground? Are the ears feathered? If they are, how much of the ear is feather and how much is actual ear? Is it similar to a horned owl's ear tufts? Are they mobile? If they are, how are they used to express emotion? Are they laid against the head during flight? Do they have tail feathers? If they do, do they have a tail? If they don't have tail feathers, how do they stop when they go in to land?

And on and on and on. It was a little hard to transcribe that, because I don't think of it in words. I see the gryphon in my head and stretch and change the body as is necessary to see what it's like for different designs, different scenarios, etc.

I've been doing this since I was about 12. I'm fully aware this is horribly obsessive and most people just aren't interested, either because it's boring or because it's a little frightening. I need to find other autistic people interested in gryphons so that we can just talk at each other, haha.
jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)
It's so hilarious when people run their mouths and think they know the full story on something.

I went out and got stuff to make soup cause we ran out of food, since apparently my dad is incapable of shopping or taking care of my sisters or making dinner for the family or doing basically anything he allegedly took time off work after my mom's surgery to do. It's really pissing me off that he's using what amounts to sick time off work to go play golf and do god knows what.

I'm getting cramps again. Maybe I'll get to have my third period in 30 days. 8D Yay stress!
jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)
The saga of "holy fuck my tooth is fucked fuck fuck fuck" continues!

A few weeks ago (almost three), my dad slammed a door into my tooth. It cracked, but I didn't realize it until 2 weeks later because the crack was so small. I went to the dentist last Wednesday, and my dentist didn't seem too concerned about it.

Then Friday night while I was eating an orange it started wiggling around where it was cracked and felt on the verge of falling out. I basically had a nonstop panic attack from Friday to yesterday, since I was supposed to have jury duty and in theory wouldn't be able to see the dentist until Tuesday, and oh god what if my tooth fell out before then!

Well, it hasn't, and the earliest appointment I can have is Wednesday. Jesus.
jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)
Yesterday I was watching a lecture by Dr. Temple Grandin on autism spectrum disorders, coping methods, jobs suited to people on the spectrum, etc. One thing she talked about that I already knew of was this kind of squeezing machine she'd made for herself that she'd put herself in when she was stressed, and it calmed her down. It sounded terrible to me, but then she mentioned weighted blankets.

It was like a light went off. I feel like this is something I've craved my entire life and didn't realize it until just now.

I've always loved the lead vests they put on me when I get an x-ray taken, but I'd never thought much of it.

Problem is weighted blankets cost like $100, Jesus. I have a birthday coming up and my parents are all over this diagnosis, so maybe I can ask for that for my birthday. At least it should last years and years.
jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)
Last night I sent an email to my mother about autism spectrum disorders. I was worried she wouldn't believe me, but when she called me today she seemed more convinced of it than I initially was. Apparently lots of autism characteristics were apparent in me as a child that I don't really remember.
jame_alec: A stick figure typing rapidly on a keyboard (TAKATAKATAKA)
Sometimes I really despair at the quality of K-12 education in my neck of the woods. My sisters are frequently taught things that are flat out wrong because the science books they're using haven't been updated for at least 5 years. Usually more. When I went to school, the newest books were at least 8 years old. Some were as old as 20 years old.

It kills me because there are so many opportunities in science and math-oriented fields. When I ask my middle sister (14 in a week) why she doesn't like science, she either says she doesn't get it or it's boring. She's certainly not unteachable, so I have to wonder if it's a case of bad teacher or bad teaching environment.

When I was in my senior year of high school, the classes had way too many students. More than was legally allowed. They couldn't do anything about it, though. The population in my area has only continued to grow as more and more families have moved to rural areas to get away from the "hustle and bustle" of the city. Between that and education cuts, it wouldn't surprise me at all if class sizes are still way too big, even if they are within the legal limits. You just can't teach a classroom of 30 thirteen year olds and address all the different needs.

Right after I graduated, gang-related fights began erupting in the school system to the point that the schools had to call in police officers to walk the halls and monitor the cafeteria. It got so bad that students weren't allowed to talk during lunch and had to raise their hand and be escorted to the trash can to put up their trays.

It's relaxed more now, but it's still hardly a good learning environment. I'm sure this is old news to people elsewhere, but this is a rural area and it's just started becoming like this here and it's all rather shocking to me. And it totally makes me understand why some people want to homeschool their kids (even if they can't teach for shit).

In lieu of busting down the doors of the education department and doing a hostile takeover, does anyone have any advice on how to inspire at least understanding of, if not interest in, science/math for a 14 year old and/or a 6 year old?


jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)

March 2010

14151617 181920


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios