I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad

Because I don't feel like updating my actual life, here's a meme I stole from runic_binary.

Hit shuffle on your iPod/iTunes or mp3 player and write down the first 25 songs. No cheating or skipping songs that are shameful. That is the fun! Then tag your friends.

( Here be music )

I'm surprised it took until the last song for something from a musical to pop up!

Yesterday my mom called. I haven't talked to her but maybe once or twice since starting T, and not in the past two weeks. The first thing she said was "You sound stuffy, are your sinuses bothering you?" Maybe I'm getting a bit of a voice drop going on. I did surprise myself a few nights ago by being able to easily get my voice lower than I normally can, although when I fall into the "I'm using my polite voice" mindset my voice still goes high.

Now that my bangs are so long they're falling into my eyes I've given in and bought an electric razor set with various guards. I was kind of liking how my hair was flipping out at the base of my neck, but cutting with scissors is too much of a pain in the ass and I don't have the skill to do it anyway. I do have the skill to run a razor all over my head!

Continuing to read Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships:

( Rules 3 and 4 )

Despite being on T, I got my period Wednesday. Uuugh. I was hoping this shit would cut it the fuck out, or at least be lighter. I feel like I'm bleeding to death.

Next shot is on the 5th. Two weeks after that, pending bloodwork, I get up to full dose. I hope to god that stops it.

I was binding for several days in a row over the Christmas holidays, from about the 22 to the 25th, and I only just now got to the point that my back wasn't seizing up and smasming every time I tried to bend down a little. Evidently fused spines don't look kindly on binding. Then my boyfriend threw my binder in the washer and dryer. I caught it early enough to keep it from irreparably shrinking, but it's still way too tight. I had JUST loosened it to the point I could put it on by myself too, uuuugh.

This has not been a good few weeks.

I feel... exactly the same as I did yesterday before getting my shot.

I think a part of me expected that I would feel different somehow, even if I didn't look or sound different. Which is a little silly, but it still seems so odd to me to feel like exactly the same person as I did 24 hours ago when things are going to start changing so much because of yesterday.

The boyfriend got me a cake yesterday (awwwe) to celebrate my first shot. A very manly chocolate on chocolate with crushed chocolate sprinkles cake! It was so divine I could not eat more than one slice, or I would have risked dying of diabetic shock.

I didn't notice it yesterday until after I got to work, but literally everything I was wearing or carrying (shirt, undershirt, jacket, backpack, cane, pants) was blue. When I realized it I went "Gee, do you think I'm overcompensating?", hehe.

I'm mildly nervous about meeting up with the boyfriend's family today. His mom's nice enough, but slips terribly with my pronouns. It's going to be incredibly disheartening if I have to deal with that after 24 hours of going YEAH YEAH T AWESOME TRANSITION YAY.

Ugh, I have been so busy lately. Holidays and all, I suppose.

A friend I've had since 2nd grade is coming to visit me from Saturday to Monday. I want to come out to her since I've got the ball rolling with T (omg less than a week omg omg), but she's going through a rough time emotionally right now (her fiance of 3 years just dumped her and immediately started dating someone new and is getting married to new girl in January, ugh) and I don't want to add to that. I just hope later she doesn't feel as though I wasn't truthful with her.

I got the H1N1 vaccine yesterday. My arm is semi sore, bleh. Can't lay on it at night. No noticeable side effects yet (hopefully none at all!). This is actually the first time (outside of possibly when I was a little baby) that I have been vaccinated for the flu. I told myself if I found it for free I'd get it, since I thought that wouldn't actually happen. Sure enough, a coworker's mom (who is a nurse) sent us some and I decided to girdle my loins and go through with it. It barely hurt at all; the soreness from the vaccine is actually worse than the vaccine itself was.

The boyfriend and I got off of work from the 23-26, so we'll be with his parents for Christmas instead of bumming around the apartment like we originally planned. Maybe I'll actually get to see a white Christmas this year! I've never seen one before... the part of Georgia I was in only had snow once or twice a year, and only in January or February.

Speaking of the boyfriend, we started making sourdough bread last night and left it out to rise, but forgot that the kitchen gets super cold at night. Which means it barely rose at all. Oops. So it's staying in here with us tonight until it rises properly. Want moar bread!

Got my labwork back today. Rather, the bill for my labwork. I was frustrated and remarked to Soos, "You'd think they could just give me the results with the bill! It even has a section on the bill for the conclusions from the lab results!"

"They did; your blood work results are that you owe them $150!"

Har har.

I made it to NYC.

I can't tell if the people I pass are staring at me because they can't figure out my gender, if I'm imagining it, or if it's normal for people to just stare at other people.

My luggage sort of exploded on the room. I'm unpacking in bursts... yesterday was hard on my back. I took half a 7.5 mg hydrocodone. It made me loopy, but it was better than the burning pain that was traveling down to my elbows.

The flights were okay. We had a lot of time to chill out and eat at our layover in Pittsburgh. I felt stupid going through security because I didn't know what to do, but I imagine everyone does. I accidentally went through the metal detector without taking my phone out of my pocket, not thinking of it as being made of metal. D'oh.

I think I'm still kind of worn out. Maybe I should nap or something.

Being up here still doesn't feel real. I doubt it will for a few weeks at least.

I'm kind of afraid to leave the apartment alone because I might get lost. I was always horrid with directions.

It seems all I use this thing for is to talk about stimming, but I need to talk about it with someone or I'll go nuts.

I've mentioned my physical stimming before, but I also do mental stimming. I'll go hide somewhere (usually my room or the bathroom) and physically stim while I mentally stim at the same time.

My mental stimming almost always involves gryphons or birds or prey. When it doesn't, it involves foxes. Very rarely it will involve deer or horses. Sometimes it'll be stories about them, but usually it's just scenarios: either hunting or fleeing. When it's not stories, I'm usually imagining gryphon anatomy.

For anyone on my FL that doesn't know, a gryphon is a mythical animal with (traditionally) the fore legs, head, and wings of an eagle, the ears of a wild ass, and the hind legs and tail of a lion. Since such a creature would have such issues walking and flying in real life, a lot of my stimming involves going through different body types for how they're designed.

Are the fore legs like an eagle's? If so, do they spend a lot of time on the ground? If they do, can they hunt on the ground? An eagle can't walk like a lion, are the hind legs still like a lion, or like a second set of eagle claws? If they are, do they perch on branches or live on the ground? If the fore legs aren't like an eagle's, are they more adapted for walking on the ground? Are the ears feathered? If they are, how much of the ear is feather and how much is actual ear? Is it similar to a horned owl's ear tufts? Are they mobile? If they are, how are they used to express emotion? Are they laid against the head during flight? Do they have tail feathers? If they do, do they have a tail? If they don't have tail feathers, how do they stop when they go in to land?

And on and on and on. It was a little hard to transcribe that, because I don't think of it in words. I see the gryphon in my head and stretch and change the body as is necessary to see what it's like for different designs, different scenarios, etc.

I've been doing this since I was about 12. I'm fully aware this is horribly obsessive and most people just aren't interested, either because it's boring or because it's a little frightening. I need to find other autistic people interested in gryphons so that we can just talk at each other, haha.

The saga of "holy fuck my tooth is fucked fuck fuck fuck" continues!

A few weeks ago (almost three), my dad slammed a door into my tooth. It cracked, but I didn't realize it until 2 weeks later because the crack was so small. I went to the dentist last Wednesday, and my dentist didn't seem too concerned about it.

Then Friday night while I was eating an orange it started wiggling around where it was cracked and felt on the verge of falling out. I basically had a nonstop panic attack from Friday to yesterday, since I was supposed to have jury duty and in theory wouldn't be able to see the dentist until Tuesday, and oh god what if my tooth fell out before then!

Well, it hasn't, and the earliest appointment I can have is Wednesday. Jesus.

Last night I sent an email to my mother about autism spectrum disorders. I was worried she wouldn't believe me, but when she called me today she seemed more convinced of it than I initially was. Apparently lots of autism characteristics were apparent in me as a child that I don't really remember.