May. 5th, 2009

jame_alec: "This is a cat. It is not a defective dog. It is very happy being a cat. Autism: It's a diffence, not a disease" (Cat - Autism)
It's been on my mind a lot lately, so I'm going to kind of dump everything I've found out about me being on the autism spectrum here.

After finding out what stimming is maybe a month ago, I talked to my school shrink. She said I probably had Asperger's. My main concern was that this isn't in my head and I'm not being a hypochondriac, so that was all I was really interested in.

This is all pretty interesting to me because of the anecdotal link between autism spectrum disorders and trans-ness. Most people that are trans seem to have someone that's autistic in the family, or on the spectrum themselves.

When I first found out I was on the spectrum I had a sheer panic attack of "Oh god, what if I'm wrong and me thinking I'm trans is just my reaction to not getting human interaction and my role as a woman?" It didn't take long to shake that off... there are plenty of cissexual women on the autism spectrum who have the same social difficulties I do and have no inclination to chop off their breasts and take testosterone.

I also felt utter relief at having an explanation for why I react in certain ways to things. For 20+ years I'd convinced myself that I was being a whiny jerk for always wanting the TV volume down, for hating any kind of bright light, for being more inclined to stay in my room than go to a friend's house.

For 20+ years I've also had the worst guilt about stimming. I thought it was something that only I did, and it made me a weirdo. Now that I recognize the need to do it (before I thought I was just horribly tired at the end of the day rather than overstimulated) and actually do it when I need to, I feel so much better.

It kind of bothers me that my parents, family, and teachers until 2nd grade (when I learned to suppress my stimming in public) saw my stimming and social problems and thought "odd but intelligent kid" rather than "something's up here". I feel like I spent 20 years in limbo because nobody noticed. Though I suppose given that I'm in rural Georgia, I'm lucky I was pegged as a weird smart kid rather than an autistic kid.

idk. I'm open to questions/comments about the subject. (And no, I don't believe I got this from being vaccinated.)


jame_alec: A young Magneto and Professor X looking at each other. Magneto has a snazzy hat on (Default)

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